"Jesus Christ!"
"It's all right, calm down, I got it."
The other car is no more than a pair of headlights and a steady droning horn, a shudder of air that shakes us as it sweeps past and disappears into the dark. I curse under my breath and return my attention to the road, talking few seconds to centre the car properly. The windscreen wipers just seem to be dragging the water back and forth across the windscreen, but it's fine. I know where I'm going.
"Christ I wish you wouldn't drive like that. You nearly got us killed back there."
"That
asshole just came out of nowhere! How is that my fault? What the
hell was I supposed to do?"
Silence. I glance across. She's giving me the arms folded, pursed
lips
treatment. Fine. I
can play that game just as well as her.
"That is so like you."
"What? What is SO like me?"
"Nothing."
I roll me eyes and sigh, pushing the car a little faster. Just to bother her.
For a few minutes there's silence, just the thrum of the engine and the static done of the rain. I actually have to apply most of my concentration to navigating a series of turns, so ignoring her isn't entirely an act. I know what she's thinking, of course. slow down, you'll get us both killed, blah blah blah. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
That's when she starts to cry. I'm not sure of it at first; the first few sounds just seem as though she's breathing a little more deeply, as though for some reason it suddenly requires an effort for her to pull air into her lungs. I'm starting to think that the speed is really frightening her, that maybe I should slow down after all when a sob escapes, and when I glance over she's staring stoically ahead, lips clenched firmly together, tears coursing down her face.
I slow the car and pull it over to the side of the road, carefully, making sure I don't startle her with a sudden stop. I unbuckle my seatbelt and take her hand in mine. We sit like that for a moment, her still staring forward, hands limp in her lap, me staring across at her, leaning in towards her, hands tight on hers. Then she starts to sob in earnest, falling forward, and I bundle her close to me as best I can. She resists at first, then consents to being held, and sobs weakly into my shoulder. I don't know what to say, so I just let her go.
Eventually she speaks.
"Are...are you happy?"
I just stroke her hair for a few moments, considering my response.
"What do you mean? Happy with what?"
"Are you happy with us? With me? With the way that things are between us?"
I hold her at arm's length so that I can look at her, so that she can see my face when I reply.
"Of course I am. I'm with you. What more could I want?"
"But you
get so angry all the time. I say something and you just go right off
at me. We fight all the time."
"I know, honey, I know. I'm sorry. You know that sometimes I just
can't
control myself. I'm sorry I'm such an asshole all the time. I'm
sorry
about
tonight."
She's got herself a bit more under control now. A bit more composed. She sits back in her seat, one hand still in my lap, gazing blankly through the windscreen.
"So you don't...you don't ever wonder if there's anyone else out there? If you couldn't maybe build a better relationship with someone else?"
"Baby! You're
the only one I want. Don't you know that? You make me as happy as
I've ever been. No one else in the world could be as good for me
as you are. I need you, you know how much I need you. I...I don't
know what I'd do without you to look after me."
She just
looks at me with big eyes.
"You
mean...you mean that you don't ever want to end this? Never? You
don't ever think about it?"
"Look, what exactly are you
accusing me of here? If you've got something to say, then why
don't you goddamn well come out and say it?"
I've
dropped her hand, my own are clenched hard on my knees. My
reflection in the window behind her is all snarling lips and wild
eyes. For a moment I find myself wondering who they could belong to.
She says nothing. She has nothing to say. I continue. I list points, ticking them off on my fingers.
"I've never cheated on you. I don't hit you. And now you turn around and say that I don't love you, that I want out, that...that I don't love you! I mean, where the hell are you getting this shit from?"
She curls back into herself under my onslaught. I've never hit her, but I imagine that this is what she might look like if I did.
She starts to cry again, ragged breaths slowly dragging themselves in and out of her, one long tear running from either eye.
"I'm sorry, I'm just...oh god honey, I'm just so sorry."
That's
what I need to hear. I grab her, pull her close to me, wrap my arms
around her and just hold her. Her breathing continues in the same
choking, gasping fashion for a while, then slows and calms. We stay
there for a while, feeling each other breathe, watching the rain run
down the windscreen.
"I think...sometimes I think that you feel a lot more than you say."
I wait for her to elaborate on this statement, but she just lets it hang there.
"I guess that I don't know what you mean by that."
She signs
and mutters something that might be 'never mind', and goes to
pull away. I have my arm around her now and I hold her close against
me and kiss her cheek. She seems to stiffen for a moment, which
seems strange for someone who was afraid that I didn't like her any
more, then relaxes into me.
That night, when she thinks I'm asleep, she slips out of bed and goes to the window, parting the blinds and gazing up at the star filled sky. I just lie there, watching her, not understanding what she's doing, waiting for her to return to bed.